Another day, another dollar. Not sure what that means. Maybe I guess it has to do with the fact that people work for what 2/3rd’s of their entire lifetime. I am not officially employed at the moment and it does have it’s downside. Financial worries are a source of upset for me. I’m trying alternative ways to make some money while I look for work yet again. But that’s not what this is about. It’s about my hair.
I never appreciated it when I had it – volume, curl, texture. Currently it defies volume practically. See I always wanted that sleek, long hair – like I had when I was young. But probably due to my anorexia, my body chemistry changed. I know I lost a lot of hair and even more than that! Still know to this day that it was divine intervention that I didn’t die. My parents were told to prepare themselves. It all started when I read a book by another anorexic – cuz you will be all your life. And she recovered, too. She would take her favorite candy bar and cut it into like six pieces so she would just have a little at a time. I don’t know, but one day – after months and months of being afraid of the calories in a stick of sugar-free bubblegum (5 cals, btw.) I ate a piece of a Nutty Bar. I don’t remember how or when or why, but I started to feed myself again. It’s been so long ago, I can’t remember what I ate or how much or how hard it was to do. All I know is that I was saved.
I eat cake for breakfast sometimes now and don’t really think twice about it. But that’s extreme. For the most part, I still limit my food intake and truly eat to live. I’m not all that intrigued by the taste of food, yet I love to cook. I know by reading a recipe if it’ll be good or not. I’m self-taught. I especially love making really involved cakes. I’ll have to dig up the recipe, but I once made a sponge cake yule log – it looked like a log and I even added chocolate meringue mushrooms to the plate. I was engrossed in this for a long time and it was delicious. If you’ve never had a marscapone filled sponge cake, rolled up and frosted, you don’t know what you’re missing! I will do my best to go through my portfolio of recipes so that I can share it!
But this is supposed to be about my hair. My mind switches quickly from one topic to the next. And I can talk at a very, very lengthy time at once, if given the opportunity. I don’t like when I do it tho. My number one goal, yes it’s very simplistic, but it is to be quiet. To not complain. To not feel like I’m cornering someone into listening to me for hours. I feel better if I am listening. There’s a lot I don’t know and it would suit me well if I stopped talking and listened, just listened to anything but my own voice.
Everyone thinks I’m so smart. But I don’t. I can learn, but talent is certainly not come easy for me. I had to work at being talented as an athlete, a runner, everything. And I knew I was never the best. I knew it when I was a teenager – as my old track coach like to say – I hit a wall. And damn it hurts. I shared something from someone who visited my site and liked a post. It was about how self-flagellating this man, an artist, was to himself and about his work! I could relate and it helped me. (I tweeted it so if you’d lie to read it, my twitter account is bananapiejana. I highly suggest this funny and interesting article about being an artist). So listening is so very important for me.
Yet again, I’ve gotten off topic. My hopes for my hair where another let down. But I will not give up! I colored AND highlighted it myself today. The highlights didn’t turn out so well – the color is not honey blonde and I ran out of the mixture before I wanted to be done!
It’s probably going to be another salon visit soon for damage repair and truth be told, they don’t like messing with people who color their own hair. Hell, I cut my own hair! Maybe that’s what I should do. No, no way. It’s already screwed. I never cared so much about my hair before. But like I said, curl envy, it’s out there and I have it!
I’m pretty much convinced that I just simply don’t have enough of it (hair, that is) so it doesn’t do what I see, what I want it to do. I did the entire twisting/spiraling of strands of hair for Lord’s sake again! That takes dedication. Maybe if I just don’t wash it for like a week, it’ll do something, anything else, but what it is doing.
All I know is that I feel so guilty for being so self-involved. But really, right now, all I have is myself, physically present that is. I’ve taken to this social media thing rather slowly, but now running to catch up with the latest. It’s very funny how you can get caught up into the attention you get when you speak out publicly. You, or at least I, have found myself guilty of wanting the extrinsic reward of say, a comment, any comment. On just one post. But 0 so far. I wonder if I’m not engaging enough. I wonder this in interactions where people are physically present. I wasn’t given the gift to gab, but maybe I just haven’t met the right listener yet. But again, there’s a lot of information out their, topics, I wouldn’t be able to speak on anyway. And I’m changing that, too. And yes, I said I want to be quiet as my number one goal, but that really means my tendency to talk so much and going from one topic to another that it becomes hard for someone to keep up. And it’s annoying to me, too. And despite what anyone says or maybe what you think, I am not bi-polar. I’m passionate about stuff that I know I know what I’m talking about because, again, there is so much I would not be able to speak on.
I think it’s time I go back to fixing my hair or whatever. Maybe I can finally master that. It’s just something to focus on that is just me. My little obsession of sorts does not surprise me. When I get on something, I cannot give it a rest until I am satisfied. And it goes for most everything. I can know it when I’m beat, but that doesn’t mean I like being a loser. Who does? Everyone seems to say that to know thy self is what really matters. Well I know myself inside and out and yet I’m searching for something more, some greater purpose that I hope will be fulfilled through my own efforts and no one else’s. And I keep promising myself that today is the day I will finally write about women that are doing just that. Selfless acts of bettering the world and in turn, generating a purpose and a livelihood, too. Maybe all this hair and beauty trial and error will lead to something much greater. I hope it does. I enjoy it, yet what is it achieving expect realizing that what I want remains un-achievable for the moment? And yes, it’s depressing to a degree and so self-focused. I’m really not all that self-centered. I always have and I always will want to make sure everyone around me is happy, above my own happiness. I’m not devaluing my own happiness or pretending to be a saint, but I do feed off others. That’s just me.
I’m laughing as I reread this post before publishing. It was truly supposed to be about my trials with my hair. But the flow went a couple different directions because that is how my mind works so I’ve come to realize.
Okay, I’m hitting publish and not editing. Not including a picture either of hair day #10! Yet.
Ok so I just did a quick makeup routine on my face using the most outdated, inexpensive or sample-sized products I own. The focus here is not just the hair – ended up reddish – and the inspiration for my style has disappeared on me and I’m too tired to go search for it. It doesn’t matter cuz it’s not very close at all. Here is my quick application of Tarte Radiance Drops (for fun), Covergirl Vitalist Foundation, Maybelline Instant Age Rewind Concealer (people love this product) Revlon mascara, Maybelline Infallible Paints lipstick, Too Faced Shadow Insurance, Revlon eyeshadow quad, Physician’s Formula highlighter, Stila Aqua Glow Water Blush (discontinued), L’Oreal Infallible Paints Blush Palette, Priori Powder (discontinued) and Rimmel Brow Gel. The kicker is below…
So what is the kicker? Blush. Two types. Similar shade. After foundation, apply a cream blush. I used Stila’s Aqua Glow Water Color Blush in Water Poppy. A great product and sad to see it’s been discontinued. Then on top of that I used the second from the left shade of the powder blush of L’Oreal’s Palette 230 on top. The combination will give you a diffused color on the cheeks with staying power. Alternately, you can apply the powder blush first and then the tint, gel or cream blush on top. This will give a greater pop of color. I haven’t tried it myself so I can’t speak on it other than that. However, coming soon, I have more on this very topic. I guess you could say that blush is one of my favorite makeup products because it absolutely wakes up the face!
Ok, so the hair has now got reddish highlights with a lighter shade of brown as the base. Not the honey colored shade I was going for 😦 Tomorrow, I’m going to attempt to highlight again. I have some toner as well, if any brassiness occurs. Wish me luck!
Now for the style. It simply looks too done, loose and fun like I hoped for either. It’s getting there. I’m achieving more separation, which I suppose is do to the time-consuming twisting of strands of gelled and creamed wet hair. I may have to read that book on the Curly Girl Method to figure this out!
Oh well, I’m exhausted again. The makeup took me a little over 13 minutes to do. It’s not terrible, but not great either. I really wanted to show off the blush. Here is another thing that I always do with blush, btw. I use it as sort of a bronzer in a pinch and really before bronzer became so huge. I apply a little to temples, next to the hairline, and across the bridge of my nose. I also know how the sun naturally hits my face so I apply blush accordingly on my cheeks, as I feel it is the most complimentary way I have found. More coming on this, too!
Since blush has always been something that has sort of mystified women – how much, what color, etc. I thought expounding on this is relevant. Right now, blush is and can be the focal point of your look. I think if it is, go bold or go home. And really think about how the sun, well, burns your skin, and apply to these areas (don’t be like me and forgo SPF.) So give the cream and powder duo blush combination a try and let me know how it works for you. And I didn’t mean to discredit any of the products I used. They just are old, except for the L’Oreal palette. Some are even not sold anymore. Just sort of a challenge to escape the concept that expensive always means quality. Oh and the radiance drops I started with is because lately my skin has been dry and like I said, it was for fun to see if it made a difference. I feel that my skin looks glowing and my foundation blended easily after using the Tarte product. I even challenged myself to use very old brushes and the little eyeshadow applicator that came with the Revlon eyeshadow quad to line my eyes with the black shade and apply the highlight at the brow bone.
Whola! At least I have no lingering hair dye smell….